Emo

So I had an amazing time in New York, but I've barely written anything about my vacation. This is because something else happened that was more important. My grandmother had a stroke and was in the hospital for about a week. She's now in a nursing home recovering. I visited her during my weekend in San Jose after the NY trip.


This is probably the worst news I have ever gotten and the most emotional thing I have been/am going through. Pretty heartless considering I didn't cry a tear at my father's funeral.. Oh wait I didn't even go to his funeral....


The first time I went to visit her, I was in shock. She didn't look well. I noticed she wasn't moving the left side of her body, so I figured her right side of the brain must be damaged. The very first thing I noticed was that she didn't even smile when I walked through the doorway, which is very odd since she's always happy to see me and considering this to be a surprise visit since she wasn't expecting me to be back till Christmas, I expected an even bigger response from her; But barely a glance my way and no smile nor any kind of facial response. We stayed with her until she fell asleep and before visiting hours were over.


The second time I went to go visit her, I went by myself (I had to sneak away from my mom because my appointment with Davis was that afternoon.) This time she looked better. I was excited to see her sitting in a chair and listening to the radio. I got a small emtional/facial response from her, which made me EXTREMELY happy and relieved to see. I put up a tiny picture of Quan'Am on her cork board and bought her flowers to decorate her side of the room. She didn't sleep well the night before so I spent most of the time just sitting at the foot of her bed while she slept. I sat there and cried. She momentarily woke up and it was nearly time for me to go. So I started to say good bye to her since I wouldn't be seeing her till Christmas. I could barely speak. I struggled to get the words out with the tears running down and kissed her on her cheeks.


Since she was in the nursing home recovering, I didn't get to talk to the doctors about what happened to her and what the effects were. Thank goodness I'm a phy sci major and figured it out for myself. I'm sure the stroke probably hit the middle cerebral artery supplying blood to the right side of the brain, explaining the paralysis on the left side of the body. It damaged her pre and post central gyri and her limbic system too. All of this just basically translates to her never being the same again. Thank goodness she didn't lose her memory too. That's why I was so happy to see her reaction during the second visit. I can tell she was surprised and happy to see me that time, which gave me a sense of hope that not everything is lost.


Getting my third tat in her honor that afternoon after my second visit was perfect. In my tat there's a lotus flower on a lily pad, a vase, and willow branches, all symbolic of Quam'Am, the Buddhist figure that my mom always tells me to pray to. In the vase, you can see a picture of a stick figured chair and window. My favorite dance, Vespers choreographed by Ulysses Dove (part of the Ailey Company), was choreographed in honor of Dove's grandmother. In the very beginning, light is shining from above the stage through an unseen window and the only props used in the piece are wooden chairs. He used seven dancers to represent the strength and character of his grandmother. So I used the chair and the window in the vase for my grandmother. The vase is above the the lotus and the lily pad (my mom's side of the family calls me Lilly) with water (Water of Life) pouring out, symbolic of how she's taken care of me and continues to support me. I believe she was the only one to never show any discontent with my decision to move to LA for college, which meant a lot to me since I felt that the rest of the family hated me for this and thought I was being selfish.


With everything that's happened I'm sure I want to go into physical therapy. My grandmother is going through therapy sessions to regain movement, especially that in her jaw. She can't eat on her own right now. That or if for some odd reason physical therapy doesn't work out for me, graduate school for neuroscience. There's got to be a way to take stem cells and make new neurons. Our body produces an abundance of neurons when we are born.. way more than we need growing up. Then after a few years, these extra neurons die out. Why would our bodies do that? There's got to be a way to preserve these cells, or some trick that will allow us to make more.


That obviously won't be happening any time in the near future. I just hope that when my grandmother recovers and can go home that everything will work out just fine. I may rethink my plans of moving to SF and just go home to SJ. Either that or steal Julie's or Nikki's car every weekend. Either way, I can easily get from SF to SJ. I think being home in SJ would just depress me too much. I have to look out for myself before I can help others around me. Love you, Grandma.